I had an episode
From 06/03/2018
Last night was on of the worst nights I have had in a long time. I had a manic episode and a panic attack.
Looking back, I can honestly say I knew it was coming. So many things that happened leading up to last night so I can honestly say I am not surprised. Even in the midst of my episode, a part of me knew that I would be okay. I believe last night needed to happen to show me some things I have been questioning. And once I was able to calm down, it was if this heaviness lifted, the fog cleared and I felt a sense of peace.
Many days before a manic episode, one may experience lack of sleep where they may only be sleeping for a few hours each day. One might also be extremely irritable, emotional and have periods of depression. I knew I was in the midst of an episode once I realized I was manically cleaning the bathroom and kitchen at 1:30 am. Once I finished that, I felt a tightness in my chest and it became harder for me to breathe. I was having a panic attack.
In the days leading up to last night, I had noticed how irritable I was and I kept feeling as if I was reaching my breaking point. My anxiety was heightened and my mind kept racing. I knew if I didn't relax my mind, eventually something was going to happen. Even in the midst of these things happening, I feel so lonely. There are so many people who don't understand the struggle I have and how hard it is some days for me to simply get out the bed. The truth is I don't expect everyone to understand because it is not their business, but there are certain people I want to have an understanding of what is going on with me when I say I feel like I am breaking.
I don't have episodes often and it has been at least 5 years since I have had a panic attack, but I can say since having Isaiah, I have had some pretty emotional days. Some days I wonder if I am experiencing postpartum depression and/or anxiety. There have been some pretty dark nights when I just wanted to run and never come back. Some days I need a break to relax my mind. literally. A lot of frustration sets in when I don't feel like I am being supported emotionally by those closest to me. I can admit I don't always make it known when I am struggling but when I do reach out and ask for help and I feel rejected, it makes things much worse.
While I felt my panic attack occurring, I let my partner know what was happening because our son was awake and inside with me, When I sent the text, I surely thought that it would mean that he would at least come and check on me, right? I mean that is normal? But I was wrong, I laid on the couch in full blown panic mode while Isaiah was playing in the middle of the floor. I was doing everything I could in that moment to tell my mind that I was okay. I knew physically I was fine, but my mind would not relax and the thoughts kept racing. I kept telling myself, I was okay and every time Isaiah touched me, it was as if he was telling me everything was okay. It was as if he was healing me every time he touched me. He knew what I needed in that moment. After I guess about 30 minutes or so, the fog had lifted. I was suddenly calm, my breathing slowed and I felt the fog lift. It was in that moment that I believe God was reminding me that I could heal myself. I don't need to look to anyone or anything to do what I was capable of doing for myself, which was heal me.
I also know a lot my insight comes from knowing myself and being familiar with my symptoms. I educate myself as much as possible so that I am able to take control when these things do happen. Right now, I am so grateful and can't thank God enough for his love, grace and mercy. I know that only because of him, I have survived thus far. I won't say everyday is a struggle but I do have some dark and lonely days but by his grace I make it through.
Last night also allowed me to see the truth about a situation for what it is, not what I want it to be. I have to accept the situation for what it is or remove myself, the choice is always mine. I can not change anyone, the only person I can ever change or control is me. Right now, I am just going to fall back and decide what is best for me at this point. I am going to continue focusing on my healing and raising Isaiah. Anything aside from that, is secondary at this point in my life and not my main priority.
Everything happens for a reason. Thank you for my reasons and for healing.
Last night was on of the worst nights I have had in a long time. I had a manic episode and a panic attack.
Looking back, I can honestly say I knew it was coming. So many things that happened leading up to last night so I can honestly say I am not surprised. Even in the midst of my episode, a part of me knew that I would be okay. I believe last night needed to happen to show me some things I have been questioning. And once I was able to calm down, it was if this heaviness lifted, the fog cleared and I felt a sense of peace.
Many days before a manic episode, one may experience lack of sleep where they may only be sleeping for a few hours each day. One might also be extremely irritable, emotional and have periods of depression. I knew I was in the midst of an episode once I realized I was manically cleaning the bathroom and kitchen at 1:30 am. Once I finished that, I felt a tightness in my chest and it became harder for me to breathe. I was having a panic attack.
In the days leading up to last night, I had noticed how irritable I was and I kept feeling as if I was reaching my breaking point. My anxiety was heightened and my mind kept racing. I knew if I didn't relax my mind, eventually something was going to happen. Even in the midst of these things happening, I feel so lonely. There are so many people who don't understand the struggle I have and how hard it is some days for me to simply get out the bed. The truth is I don't expect everyone to understand because it is not their business, but there are certain people I want to have an understanding of what is going on with me when I say I feel like I am breaking.
I don't have episodes often and it has been at least 5 years since I have had a panic attack, but I can say since having Isaiah, I have had some pretty emotional days. Some days I wonder if I am experiencing postpartum depression and/or anxiety. There have been some pretty dark nights when I just wanted to run and never come back. Some days I need a break to relax my mind. literally. A lot of frustration sets in when I don't feel like I am being supported emotionally by those closest to me. I can admit I don't always make it known when I am struggling but when I do reach out and ask for help and I feel rejected, it makes things much worse.
While I felt my panic attack occurring, I let my partner know what was happening because our son was awake and inside with me, When I sent the text, I surely thought that it would mean that he would at least come and check on me, right? I mean that is normal? But I was wrong, I laid on the couch in full blown panic mode while Isaiah was playing in the middle of the floor. I was doing everything I could in that moment to tell my mind that I was okay. I knew physically I was fine, but my mind would not relax and the thoughts kept racing. I kept telling myself, I was okay and every time Isaiah touched me, it was as if he was telling me everything was okay. It was as if he was healing me every time he touched me. He knew what I needed in that moment. After I guess about 30 minutes or so, the fog had lifted. I was suddenly calm, my breathing slowed and I felt the fog lift. It was in that moment that I believe God was reminding me that I could heal myself. I don't need to look to anyone or anything to do what I was capable of doing for myself, which was heal me.
I also know a lot my insight comes from knowing myself and being familiar with my symptoms. I educate myself as much as possible so that I am able to take control when these things do happen. Right now, I am so grateful and can't thank God enough for his love, grace and mercy. I know that only because of him, I have survived thus far. I won't say everyday is a struggle but I do have some dark and lonely days but by his grace I make it through.
Last night also allowed me to see the truth about a situation for what it is, not what I want it to be. I have to accept the situation for what it is or remove myself, the choice is always mine. I can not change anyone, the only person I can ever change or control is me. Right now, I am just going to fall back and decide what is best for me at this point. I am going to continue focusing on my healing and raising Isaiah. Anything aside from that, is secondary at this point in my life and not my main priority.
Everything happens for a reason. Thank you for my reasons and for healing.
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